i was a teenage blog queen, part 3

PART UÇ: Because Turkish is the only language I can confidently count to three in.

Is Salon.com's new look freaking anyone else out? It's not that I don't like it, it's just that Salon is my homepage so every time I open a new window I'm like, "UNFAMILIAR! MUST DESTROY!" and my computer's not handling that too well. I guess I have to learn to adjust to change with more dignity and less electronic violence.

So, I was on Friday, yeah? I might stop at Friday because asking me to remember that many days back is like asking a hippo to cook crème brulee. They can do it, but not without a lot of highly motivational electric shocks. Believe me, I know. So Friday--Kate was sick with something we all were really afraid was mono, but which seems to have just been a 72-hour death plague. So we took it easy during the day and went into Amherst for Mexican food, which we always get from this cheap yet pretty good place called Bueno Y Sano. Kate wanted to see if she could try to keep any food down, so I'm not really sure why her first instinct was Mexican. I mean, most people go with dry toast. Anyway, she didn't vomit on me, for which I was grateful, as usual, and we went to CVS to stock up on black and glow-in-the-dark nail polish because, you see, we were going to a show that night. A show of epically amazing proportions, which I have been waiting for since 8th grade: Rasputina. Oh, yes, the Rasputina concert was Friday night at Pearl St., and man, it was actually ridiculously awesome. Like I said, I've wanted to see Rasputina since I first discovered black nail polish and angst, and I didn't actually know they were still alive until Kate was like, "Um...Katharine...I would feel ashamed to ask pretty much anyone else in the world this, but...would you go to the Rasputina show with me?" I was like, "Kate, I've been waiting for someone to ask me that my entire life, and I've just been too ashamed to say so." Rasputina, for those of you who never went through a teenage goth phase, is a cello-based rock band that sings about death, Transylvanian concubines, and robotic mechanical snowmen *see? Told you there was a robotic mechanical snowman in this part.* So we got all gothed-up: actually, I don't know what the hell Kate's clothing was supposed to represent--she had on, like, clamdigger jeans, a torn Joan Jett shirt, and black Chucks, but she also had glow-in-the-dark nail polish and pseudo-mono-induced paleness, so I guess that's somewhat fitting in the whole child or darkness image. I finally had a reason to wear my skull barrettes and not feel like a jackass, so I donned those and my awesome porcelain doll dress with combat boots. We also spent an hour doing make-up in Kate's room, which was weird since Kate never wears make-up and I couldn't look at her too long without freaking out. We got to Pearl St. around 8:40 and walked in to the weirdest mix of people I've ever seen at a show...ever. There were weirdly energetic Goth kids in the corner, a sixty-year-old man sitting on the floor in the middle of the crowd, creepy drunk guys with out-of-control hair and leather jackets, and lots of people who looked like they weren't entirely sure what they had gotten themselves into. The opening band was called Tarantula A.D., and apparently, the depth of their angst was so great that they couldn't express it through lyrics, but only by moaning while rocking out on the cello and gong. My favorite song was definitely "Who Took Berlin?" which went on for like 20 minutes and ended with an inexplicable recording of bird noises, because....birds...apparently...took Berlin. Throughout this, Kate and I were like, "Oh god...we've made a huge mistake." However, Tarantula A.D. eventually took their fake British accents and left the stage, at which point Rasputina showed up and everything was wonderful. They set up to the opening theme to "Snow White" and they were wearing these ridiculous, like, hippie-gothic-fairy princess costumes, except the drummer guy, who just had these giant bells threaded into his beard. Kate quickly pointed out that Zoe, the second cellist, looked pretty much exactly like what Sydney Bristow would look like if she went undercover as a dreadlocked musician, which I completely agree with. She was so. Incredibly. Hot. I couldn't stop staring at her, because it was seriously, like, if Jennifer Garner lost 15 pounds and played the cello like a madman. Anyway, Melora, the lead singer, was like, "Hey everyone! Can all of you see?" We were like, "*mutter mutter* No *mutter*" and she was like, "Okay, then I'm going to have to ask all of you to sit down." We thought she was kidding, but then she was like, "Really, it isn't fair to pay for a show and not see anything." So, suddenly, we all just sat down on the floor, which, while awkward, actually made the whole thing way more enjoyable than standing for an hour and a half. I totally felt like it was story time, and she was going to be like, "Okay, children, once upon a time..." Which is sort of what she did, only...weirder. She had this amazing, high-pitched, fast voice that I can't even attempt to describe and before ever song she would say these weird little things that made no sense, like, "Jesus juice made Bush's head explode, but I love snowmen and away we go!" And we were all like, "I...okay." It worked, somehow. They played some stuff from How We Quit the Forest, lots of random stuff, and, in what might have actually been the best moment of my life, a cover of Heart's "Barracuda." On the cello. My god. It was beautiful. Anyway, then they got to the end, and Melora was like, "Look, instead of pushing through the crowd and going into our dressing room and pretending we aren't coming back for an encore, we're just going to do the encore now. Okay? Cool." Basically, they were the coolest ever. It didn't really resemble any show I've been to in my entire life, and Kate and i both came out being like, "Huh. We totally thought this experience was going to be way more shameful. Sweet." After coming back home to be mocked by Amy and Andrew for our evening activities, we ended up watching Quills at Kate and Kel's mod until 4 in the morning, which is really an uplifting, family film, if "uplifting, family film" means "makes the baby Jesus and Buddha cry." I also conducted a survey among by friends and random passerbys in honor of Serenity. The poll was as follows: Who would win in an ultimate battle of strength and wits? The choices were:
1. Cowboys
2. Pirates
3. Astronauts
4. Sex workers
5. Dinosaurs

In a shocking upheaval, the sex workers soundly kicked everyone else's asses, with 38.1% of the vote. Now, look, I don't deny that a sex worker could probably beat a cowboy, and maybe even a pirate, but a dinosaur? Dinosaurs are immune to human sexual wiles! They will eat you regardless of your flexibility and poise! Also, I got 42 people to vote in this poll, and only about 1/3 of them were visibly intoxicated. Yeah, I don't know how I managed to get people to seriously consider this question either. Maybe it's one of those cosmic mysteries people secretly wonder about but never want to bring up in conversation because they're afraid of the truth. Or maybe I'm just on crack.

The final part in this trilogy of belated productivity is drawing to a close, my friends. I gave you your robotic abominable snowman, though I admit he was not named Freddy. Freddy is not a snowman, but this weird third or possibly fourth year who lived on Kate's hall last year. He refuses to tell people his name--somehow people just figured it out--and he has, like, 16 titles he's allowed to call people, like "kid" or "girl" or "madam." He refuses to call anyone by their actual name, and he has a creepy tendency to lurk and show up unexpectedly, asking for Popsicles. Some people, you figure, just couldn't really be anywhere but Hampshire. Namely, me and Freddy. Now I have to go to contemplate tonight's LOST episode and all possible meanings of the phrase "Don't try to teach your grandma to suck eggs," which someone said to me today and which has since left me wondering if everything I know about life is wrong.

EDIT: Um, also? If anyone can explain the purpose of this blog to me, I'll give you a prize.