i was a teenage blog queen, part 2

PART DEUX: In which our heroine faces danger, true love, and the complexities of something called "The Hampshire Mall."

Anyone keeping track of my schedule by way of the Katharine calendar they've painted with the blood of virgins on their wall probably realizes I just had class, thus explaining my updating delay for those of you who have been forced to gnaw off your own arm waiting for the middle piece of this incredible trilogy. Before anything else can be said, though, I think we all need to deal with this. Katie Holmes is pregnant. PREGNANT. By who or what, we may never know. I'm willing to pretty much place a $600,000 bet is wasn't Tom Cruise, though, since I'm pretty sure he would steal some unwitting infant and shove it into Katie Holmes then pull it back out again instead of having to have sex with her. Also, I'm no publicist--at least, not for anyone that's aware of it--but aren't you supposed to wait until people start speculating about your pregnancy to confirm it? Isn't screaming, "LOOK AT THE POTENCY OF TOM CRUISE'S SPERM!" a little suspicious and not in the whole spirit of the media? I mean, we don't even get the fun of guessing if you're just eating too many Ring-Dings or carrying a copy of Dianetics under your dress at all times. I fear desperately for the future of the child--not only are Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes its alleged parents, but they're loudly and frighteningly opposed to psychiatric help, and if Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are your parents, you're going to need a hell of a lot of psychiatric help. This cannot end well--unless, of course, they get their own reality show. Then it'll just be entertaining.

Where were we? Oh, right, Monday. So Monday before class I finally had time to finish Neil Gaiman's Anansi Boys, which I, due to my inherent amazingness, have a first edition, signed copy of. Weirdly, there were just a bunch of them at the bookstore in Noho, not for an increased price or anything, so I immediately snatched one up with glee. I completely recommend it, even if--actually, especially if--you didn't like American Gods, because it's really nothing like it. It's a lot lighter than a lot of Gaiman stuff, which is cool to see him do once and awhile. I mean, there's still plenty of death and weirdness, but it's more for comic effect than anything else. So--finished that and went to Dangerous Books, where we talked about The Name of the Rose, A.K.A. "This book I wrote to show you how much I know and how much of a loser you are." It's an Eco novel where he randomly launches into Latin just to be like, "Yo, bitches, I'm gonna go all intellegenter on your asses. Perite, molesti!" Yeah, Umberto Eco's kind of a gangsta. The villain in it is named after Jorges Luis Borges, though, who's pretty much my favorite guy ever, since he writes the sort of stories I feel I, being more Argentinean and blind, might write. Dangerous Books is usually followed by Tai Chi, but I was feeling like something had decided to nest in my insides, so I decided to just go home and wait for Arrested Development, which has just gotten progressively weirder and more amazing. Apparently, in their alternate universe O.C., there's a part of town called "Wee Britain" where all the British live, and it has one "American" restaurant where they just serve donuts and giant piles of ice cream. We laughed heartily at those silly British and their foolish perceptions of Americans as we raped and pillaged my chocolate mousse cake. Then we went to study at the Thirstymind near Mt. Holyoke, which is one of the places where you can study and simultaneously feel really cool and wonderfully pretentious. Sunday--oh, right, Sunday was grocery day/day of my immense and exciting ascension into adulthood. A pressing question: you can just get a Stop n' Shop card while you're in the store, if you have your ID on you, so I'm totally confused as to why people just don't get the card--I mean, you're already spending time buying groceries, so why not take, like, five minutes to get the coupon card? So many people don't have them. I think it's because everyone in the grocery store is kind of manic--maybe it's the lack of windows. I was just kind of chilling, and like, strolling the aisles, but all these people would zoom past and then cut directly in front of me to grab the Windex or whatever and glare at me like I was about to lunge for it. Then when I was checking out there was this one woman who just kept switching lines when she perceived that the line next to her was shorter than the one she was in, which backfired horribly, since she never actually got to the front of anyone's line. Grocery shoppers need to chill and realize they are in, like, the land of infinite food. If you are in a location where you could feasibly buy 15 pounds of raw meat and still have money left over for a Kit Kat bar, you really shouldn't complain. Because of my Stop n' Shop card, I bought a ridiculous amount of Cheerios, turkey, and pudding *pauses, considers* My god...I hope I never get so desperate that I end up somehow combining those things. After Stop N' Shop we went to Trader Joe's, which is like Fancy! Stop n' Shop, with frozen bananas and Fruit Leather. We also had an extensive discussion of Boy Meets World, which may rank as one of my 7 top favorite shows. I told Kel and Kate I'm actually coming home early from October break just because ABC Family is rerunning two episodes I really want to see, and they just sort of stared at me in disbelief. On a slightly more legitimate note, Noam Chomsky is actually speaking at Hampshire that night, so it's not totally unreasonable, since Noam Chomsky=the man. In a good and non-imperialist way, I mean. Sunday night was the Queer Community Alliance meeting--I'm totally a QCA signer, which means at some point this year I get a sweet sweatshirt and the ability to pretend I hold some semblance of authority. We bought popsicles and talked about having another underwear party this year--last year we held it in the middle of November in the QCA, and it smelled like sex for weeks afterwards. We're looking for an airier space this time. The QCA also managed to get Netflix, so we're getting all these cool international queer films, though the one we watched Sunday was pretty horrible. It was called--translated from the Spanish--"I'm sorry, duckie, but Lucas loved me!" and it was the sort of film you kind of want to claw your own eyes out while watching. So we turned it off and put in Hedwig and the Angry Inch instead, because you can never ever go wrong with transgender German rock stars. Unless you're me and you've just managed to overturn a busload of them using only a wheelbarrow and a drunken monkey, but that's a story for another day.

Saturday I awoke around 2 and went to the mall with Eric. Last year, Hampshire Mall was sort of like Oak Ridge mall: dead and empty and filled with old people and fabric stores. This year, it seems to be somewhat more happening, with lots more high school kids loitering in the parking lot trying to look as cool as one possibly can while loitering in a parking lot. We went to JoAnn's so Erik could get miscellaneous fabric for his room and I could come to terms with the fact that some people actually make their own clothes and draperies. I also went hunting for things for my Halloween costume, but found naught--oh man, have I mentioned yet what I'm going to be for Halloween? Because it's totally hot. Alice and I decided to form a Hogwarts contingent, so I'm going to be a punked-out, andro Harry while she does Ginny and Kate's Hermione. This also means I have an excuse to go to the Harry and the Potters show at Mt. Holyoke *but really, who needs an excuse?* so I can get a "Voldemort Can't Stop the Rock" t-shirt and some advice on how to be the coolest Harry ever. We also got smoothies at the mall, because somewhere along the way I have developed a serious addiction to fruit smoothies. I used to hate them, because, you know, marginally healthy, but now I would totally pick a Haymarket smoothie over a chocolate milkshake. My friends, I think this is called growing up. And it's tasty.

After the mall, we hung out in Erik's mod being hipster-ish and watching the Scissor Sisters DVD, which is one of the coolest-made DVDs ever. I eventually tracked down Amy and Andrew and we got on the bus to go see Serenity, which I have been waiting for my entire life. True, I had already seen two sneak previews of it, but this felt legit, like the Geek Nation was finally getting some sunlight for once. I dressed up as Inara, a space prostitute, the first time we went, but I didn't dress up this time because it wasn't opening night and Amy pretty firmly told me she would beat me with a soldering iron if I showed up in costume. Speaking of, what the hell is a soldering iron? I think Amy's perception of it might be of something a lot more hefty than it actually is. Anyway, we met Kate at the ridiculously busy Hampshire Mall theater and saw the most amazing film in the world. The place was packed and everyone was really into it, cheering and applauding and apparently shouting comments at the screen that made no sense unless you had watched not only every episode but the special features on the Firefly DVD. On the way out, I even heard some guy go, "That was like ten ninjas!" which I'm pretty sure is the best rating you can give anything ever. There's not a bus that goes directly from the Mall to Hampshire, so we ended up in Northampton and, due to my complete and utter inability to read bus schedules, ended up waiting about an hour for a bus. Everyone knows I can't read bus schedules, and yet, somehow, every time, I end up in charge of reading them. I feel my friends are just masochists, deep down. We wanted to play four-square to pass the time, so I kept asking strangers if they had any balls, which was particularly awkward since we were at the Smith bus station. Eventually I got home and I seem to remember Jeff or Erik being around and some Diablo II being played before I went unconscious, but I might just be crazy.

Okay, so I lied about there being a robotic abominable snowman named Freddy is this post, but there's one in the next post, I swear. This one is being cut off due to my desperate need for Phish Food and That 70s Show. Never let it be said that I don't have priorities.